[kmred5]

Hello,

My daughter has right sided hemi, is 7 and in year 3 of our village primary school. She has been doing ok, struggling with tiredness and some activities of course, but basically all fine and happy. However, this term her teacher has highlighted that she spends a lot of social time (ie playtimes, lunchtime etc) on her own - not only left out of activities by the other children but also she often takes herself away from them if their games get too fast paced (either physically or mentally). The other day she came home really sad because she had spent pretty much all day on her own with no one to play with. I think the much younger children are happy to play with her, but she has become very aware of the social stigma attached to this (you know what playground mentality is like!!) although she likes the younger kids and they like her.

I am very glad that the school has picked up on it, although they have no idea what to do to help her, they are willing to intervene but do not know what to do! I also do not know how to help her. We have always maintained lots of out of school social time with kids in her class and their families. i do my best to have potential friends round for play after school at least once a week - and it seems that on a one to one basis she copes well and these girls all like her. It just seems to be that when she gets in to a big dynamic group she cannot cope, and the other children do not try or know how to make any allowances for her. i have talked to some other mums, but again... not really sure what to do.

I did think it might help if she could get to know some other disabled kids, but i do not know how i could find other similar aged 'differently abled' kids in our local area.

If anyone out there has any ideas or similar experiences they could share i would be very grateful, i feel like we have hit a bit of a brick wall.

thank you
Kate

[Jane72]

kmred5, on 05 December 2011 - 02:42 PM, said:

Hello,

My daughter has right sided hemi, is 7 and in year 3 of our village primary school. She has been doing ok, struggling with tiredness and some activities of course, but basically all fine and happy. However, this term her teacher has highlighted that she spends a lot of social time (ie playtimes, lunchtime etc) on her own - not only left out of activities by the other children but also she often takes herself away from them if their games get too fast paced (either physically or mentally). The other day she came home really sad because she had spent pretty much all day on her own with no one to play with. I think the much younger children are happy to play with her, but she has become very aware of the social stigma attached to this (you know what playground mentality is like!!) although she likes the younger kids and they like her.

I am very glad that the school has picked up on it, although they have no idea what to do to help her, they are willing to intervene but do not know what to do! I also do not know how to help her. We have always maintained lots of out of school social time with kids in her class and their families. i do my best to have potential friends round for play after school at least once a week - and it seems that on a one to one basis she copes well and these girls all like her. It just seems to be that when she gets in to a big dynamic group she cannot cope, and the other children do not try or know how to make any allowances for her. i have talked to some other mums, but again... not really sure what to do.

I did think it might help if she could get to know some other disabled kids, but i do not know how i could find other similar aged 'differently abled' kids in our local area.

If anyone out there has any ideas or similar experiences they could share i would be very grateful, i feel like we have hit a bit of a brick wall.

thank you
Kate

Hiya

I have Rhemi myself and remember that school was not a good place socially for me. I did far better at outside activities like Girls brigade and later on youth group.........

If you are on facebook, there is a hemi group, there are also other groups for mums to chat and I know that some have/are arranging meet ups, so depending on where you live you may find other potential friends both for you and your daughter that know only too well what its like with hemi........

hope that helps

[N+J]

Kate, my son has only just started school - but I can see this being an issue with us aswell ...

I just wanted to ask you Jane, if you read again, what do you think of homeschooling as an option?

The only reason I am sending my son to school is because of the social part of it. I would rather teach him at home, if I'm honest - I think he'd learn more at home. I have chosen to send him to school so that he socialises, but if its going to have a detrimental effect, perhaps it would be better to teach at home and do social stuff in groups etc ...

What do you think?

Sorry to change this subject Kate. I am not sure that schools are very good at dealing with these things and you sound like you are doing a really good job at getting other children round once a week. We live quite far away from our school, so I'm not able to do this.

I think my son plays on his own because he can't keep up with the groups of other children running around so fast etc ...

Are there any lunch time clubs where things are a bit quieter/slower?

Nicola.

[Jane72]

N+J, on 05 December 2011 - 07:24 PM, said:

Kate, my son has only just started school - but I can see this being an issue with us aswell ...

I just wanted to ask you Jane, if you read again, what do you think of homeschooling as an option?

The only reason I am sending my son to school is because of the social part of it. I would rather teach him at home, if I'm honest - I think he'd learn more at home. I have chosen to send him to school so that he socialises, but if its going to have a detrimental effect, perhaps it would be better to teach at home and do social stuff in groups etc ...

What do you think?

Sorry to change this subject Kate. I am not sure that schools are very good at dealing with these things and you sound like you are doing a really good job at getting other children round once a week. We live quite far away from our school, so I'm not able to do this.

I think my son plays on his own because he can't keep up with the groups of other children running around so fast etc ...

Are there any lunch time clubs where things are a bit quieter/slower?

Nicola.

Hi Nicola

That question opens a whole can of worms lol.....

Ok, socially I didnt do very well at school, partly because of keeping up with others, and I guess they felt I held them back, and partly I think because when I did have friends, other children bullied them for being my friend aswell as bullying me. This was especially true in primary school. I did have 3-4 good friends, who Id known since age 5, not just from school but girls brigade aswell, and while they were always my friends, their lives could be made very difficult at school because of me, so it was kinda understandable they didnt always slow down for me etc. For kids at the time its heart breaking, I can only say this looking back with hindsight........secondary school was a bit better, it was a small school compared to most and I was still with the same friends.......I didnt do great, but I didnt do badly either, I had no help what so ever and the PE staff were positively nasty........

I dont think schools know how to handle things like that at all, it was a new concept when I was at school, as the gov had just closed alot of special schools for inclusion reasons, and it failed as far as im concerned, I was doing great at a special school, then got dumped in a mainstream in year 1 and hated every minute. But although there is more in place as in statements and regulations, in practice kids needs are still not met. I am now speaking as a parent. last week my youngest son who is 12 was diagnosed with autism. (his big bro has severe autism)He is in mainstream school, and much like social issues that come with hemi, milder autism is very similar....my son has always struggled in that way and gets very little help for it.

I can honestly see the merits of home schooling, as for me, if my kids need that I would do it. My parents couldnt have done it with me and probably didnt even know they were allowed too, and couldnt have afforded home tutors anyway, it was much harder back then. I did home school my eldest son for 6 mths when he was 10, but to be honest for him it was matching shapes and trying to get him to write his name. For a more able child I can see it would be harder to get them through and do gcses etc. The oportunities in secondary schools is far greater than home schooling could provide.
I have considered it for my 12 year old, and may still take that option if he starts really struggling and school becomes un barable........but I know he has more oportunity than I could provide so for now its best.

for primary school purposes tho, I can see that its much more doable, and could work really well for some kids.....

alot of kids find small groups far easier to deal with (I always have done even now), so if you did go down that road of home sch, then getting a child into maybe girls/boys brigade (which incidentally my son has found very good, as its more structured than like beavers/scouts and they tend to be very understanding/compassionate and inclusive of difference), they gain alot of confidence that way and rewarded by badges at the end of the year, which is always a big boost.......swimming clubs is another one (which could be seen as the PE of home sch)maybe local art clubs (again could be seen as art in home sch).....and theres always the point of finding other home school families to share resources and experiences with......

I did look into this fully, and home schooling can be very varied especially at a young age......you have to provide an education appropriate to age, but dont have to follow the NC. You do have to include the basic subjects, but thats it to satisfy the law.....

On the whole I think it could be a very positive move for some kids, as long as they are given the chance to shine outside the home by gaining confidence and socially in small groups........obviously its important to keep these connections with society as at some point, whether it be later on in education, maybe college or uni, or even the world on finishing education, they will need those skills and be able to be part of the world around them.

Hey....mums always know best for their kids, if you think school is doing any harm and home schooling would be better, go for it........you always have the option to opt back into school, and if you feel that way, you could insist more help was put into place before that happened, you have negotiating power that way too.......

I did it with my eldest son, I told the council either they provided a suitable education or I continued refusing to send him to school and home schooling.....he got a great school in the end.....but he was always going to be in a special school, its much harder with mainstream......

hopefully ive not bored you to tears ere.......just trying to give you food for thought and different angles

whatever you decide, im sure you will do a great job, you seem so tuned into your sons needs.......

[N+J]

No you have not bored me at all, Jane.

I have looked into homeschooling a lot too and its interesting to see the things you've found out and your impressions of it.

I also feel that Samuel is getting a lot from school, at the moment, that I don't feel I could provide at home. The school play, he is loving. They do lots of singing at school and he loves that. He's really getting into reading and I don't think that I could gain his interest in the way that school has done at all.

So at the moment - he is really happy, it seems - and so I am happy with school.

However, I mostly/only really, have worries about social stuff - maybe all parents do, I'm not sure. The complexities of friendships really get me into a state. Samuel often says that certain children repeatedly won't play with him - and it seems that from some of the children's groups (his school is very big - 4 form entry) he is permanently barred.

I know that it is early days, but of course this worries me. Samuel's reaction to children that bar him from playing with him is often to tease them when he gets the chance ie when he feels strong, like if they come to play at our house. This is obviously not helping at all.

I have wondered whether to speak to the teacher - but it seems to be petty - and I only really get Samuel's side of the story ...

Thank you Jane xx

[kmred5]

hi again,
home schooling was not an option for us either. Sky gets a lot of out of being at school and a stimulation that i could not provide - reading, art, sports etc. Quite apart from which i think i would go nuts in about 2 days if I had to try and home school!!!

i sympathise about the social side of things for Samuel - especially as the school is quite big. You would have hoped that given that many children to play with there might be at least one who 'clicked' with your son. Of course it must be very isolating for him if that is not happening.
i think you're doing a good thing by getting potential friends round to play - even if his behaviour is not what you would like it to be it at least gives him the chance to learn and potentially for you to step in and assist him in how to treat his friends.

i think you should definately talk to school. I dont think you should play down the impact social life has at school - its definately not petty. It was my daughters teacher who highlighted it to us, so they clearly take it very seriously. The problem is that having identified that she is isolated and lonely neither i nor the school have any good ideas about how to change/improve things!! i was really hoping someone out there might have gone through something similar and have some suggestions?... watch this space

If i get anywhere further with Sky's school i will let you know. You should definately pursue this with Samuals school - i think they will want to help.

Also, i like the suggestion earlier on about a quieter lunchtime club. sky never stays to after school clubs because she is so knackered (especially at this time of year), but a lunchtime club might be the answer.

Kate

[Jane72]

kmred5, on 07 December 2011 - 11:07 AM, said:

hi again,
home schooling was not an option for us either. Sky gets a lot of out of being at school and a stimulation that i could not provide - reading, art, sports etc. Quite apart from which i think i would go nuts in about 2 days if I had to try and home school!!!

i sympathise about the social side of things for Samuel - especially as the school is quite big. You would have hoped that given that many children to play with there might be at least one who 'clicked' with your son. Of course it must be very isolating for him if that is not happening.
i think you're doing a good thing by getting potential friends round to play - even if his behaviour is not what you would like it to be it at least gives him the chance to learn and potentially for you to step in and assist him in how to treat his friends.

i think you should definately talk to school. I dont think you should play down the impact social life has at school - its definately not petty. It was my daughters teacher who highlighted it to us, so they clearly take it very seriously. The problem is that having identified that she is isolated and lonely neither i nor the school have any good ideas about how to change/improve things!! i was really hoping someone out there might have gone through something similar and have some suggestions?... watch this space

If i get anywhere further with Sky's school i will let you know. You should definately pursue this with Samuals school - i think they will want to help.

Also, i like the suggestion earlier on about a quieter lunchtime club. sky never stays to after school clubs because she is so knackered (especially at this time of year), but a lunchtime club might be the answer.

Kate

hiya

Just thinking around the school day, and if kids are feeling isolated, and not interacting with other kids at appropriate times like breaktime etc........lunchtime clubs are a good thing, and can encourage appropriate relationships in small settings without it becoming too over whelming.....

the other idea, thinking out of the box and only if school would agree to try it......school could arrange some activities within the school day, maybe just before breaktime etc, maybe around learning about say birds(could be done as a lunch bird club), or drawing, something that wouldnt need to take long, but take a small group of kids to one side and do a 15 min thing with them, but then encourage this group to continue in the playground, it maybe looking out for birds in the trees together, or drawing a flower.....but would encourage relationships with peers, that hopefully would flourish under their own steam once established.......

school would obviously have to think sround this sort of idea.....

the other idea would be doing group building activities to boost confidences and giving kids things to do in small groups maybe on project work, meaning they have to work together, and get to know each other.....

just ideas for you.....